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My Favorite Jokes
Please don't credit or blame me for this stuff - I'm really just a conduit by which my friends and family can share their warped humor with the rest of the world.

I've broken down this collection into subcategories for your convenience.  Please feel free to skip as many of them as you like... 
Math and Science             Politics and Social Studies                Lists

      
Musicians                             Heartwarming                  Headline News

Even more crass/un-pc                                                  As- yet Unclassified
MATH & SCIENCE

Monkey Business

Sound familiar??

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friend, is how a company policy begins.
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--

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


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Business Math As Taught in US School System

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money.
The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar.
Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.

What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010
:
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100.
La cuesta de production es...

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Traditional Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. The public buys your bull.

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AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION

You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...

-------------------------------------------------


Words that don't exist - but should

Aquadextrous(akwa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Carperpetuation(kar 'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

Disconfect(diskonfect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming that somehow it will 'remove' all the germs.

Elbonics(el bon' iks) n.The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Frust(frust) n.The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Lactomangulation(lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

Peppier(pehp ee ay') n.The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Phonesia(fonee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pupkus(pup' kus) n.The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Telecrastination(tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six  inches away.

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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

MUSICIANS


The truth about musicians

A kid says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a steel player's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"

Q: What do lead singers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What has 3 teeth and an I.Q. of 47?
A: The first 4 rows at a Toby Keith concert.

Q: What's the similarity between a lead guitarist and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo player and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to fiddle players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What is another term for a steel guitar?
A: A string-driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

Q: What is the dynamic range of a banjo?
A: On or off.

Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad steel player?
A: A bad steel player can kill you.

Q: Why do banjo players leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.

Q: How do you stop the spread of AIDS?
A: Let Curb distribute it.

Q: What do you call a guitarist who has no girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What do a banjo and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: What does it mean when a drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth?
A: The drum riser is level.

Q: There are two drummers sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman.

Q: Why are fiddle player's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

A kid tells his mom he's interested in learning the bass, so she sets him up with a teacher. After the first lesson, she asks "What did you learn today?"
   A: "I learned the first four notes on the first string of the bass."
After the second lesson, she asks "What did you learn today?"
   A: "I learned the first four notes on the second string of the bass."
After the third lesson: "What did you learn today?"
   A: "I learned the first four notes on the THIRD string of the bass."
After the FOURTH lesson, she asks "And what did you learn TODAY?"
   A: "Hey, mom- no more time for lessons; I got a GIG!"

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haiku's for musicians

Money's everything
Playing any gig that comes along.
Whores, we are all whores

Squeaking and squaking
All eyes roll to the heavens
The clarinet speaks

Here comes the high note.
The lead trumpeter puckers.
Clam.clam,Fuck!,clam Shit!

The jam session starts
Somebody calls "Giant Steps."
Cold fear grips my brain

Here's the girl singer
Stepping to the microphone
Pitch, Time, all gone now

Gig is going well
Asshole requests " In the Mood"
I look at my watch


I once had a dream
Big house, new car, big money
Now I play the bass

Gorgeous chick tells me
"You sound just like Kenny G"
My ego shatters

3/8 11/8
Fuck you Andrew Lloyd Webber
5/8 7/8

" I can't find my note"
Bemoans the confused singer
"Quit now" we all pray

The contractor calls
Months of Andrew Lloyd Webber
"Bird Lives" no longer

An Oxymoron:
" He played the accordion
with delicacy"

Trane, Prez, Bird Rollins
Giants of the saxophone
Eat shit Kenny G


The strings slowly tune
When they're done the unisons
Are anything but

Pit orchestra gig
Days and nights become as one
I have no damned life

Bassons forever
Try in not to sound like
A farting bedpost.

----------------------------------------------------------------------


New, Improved Effects Pedals!

Blame Shifter...Shifts guitar player's mistakes down an octave so the audience thinks the bass player did it.

Fluff Box...Filters out excess musical substance

Depander...Removes overplayed cover tunes from songlist

Overjive...Makes Hootie songs sound like Parliament

Feedback Eliminator...Silences constructive criticism from audience members

Depressor...Transposes any song into E minor

Noise Filter...One input jack, no output.

Bandpass Filter...Prevents drummer from "coming on" to female vocalist

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It was the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living.

The first little girl said, "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy said, "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

It was then little Johnny's turn and he said, "My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasped and quickly moved on, but later, in the school yard, the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

Little Johnny blushed and said, "No, he's really a guitar player in a country band, but I was too embarrassed to say so."

CRASS AND/OR UN-PC

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long ......"

The husband sighed. "It's started!"


----------------------------------------------------------------------


The Man Code

1. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move.. is beer.

2. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

3. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

4. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

5. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

6. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin," then you may sit back and enjoy.

7. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

11. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.


12. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem-you didn't see nothin.'

13. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

14. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless super model...and it's free.

15. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

18. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

19. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

20. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

21. "Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat."

22. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.


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A man and his wife are screwing.

Fifteen minutes has passed, thirty minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them.

After a few more moments, the wife comments "Can't you think of anyone either?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Area husband pretends to give a shit

Lafayette, Ga. -- Attempting to pacify his wife Jena's incessant desire for verbal interaction, area husband Chris Woodman pretended to give a shit Tuesday as his wife of six years initiated and dominated a series of prolonged dialogues regarding an array of unrelated, unimportant subjects.

According to Woodman, the thoroughly pointless conversation - which comprehensively detailed his wife's work day, lunch experience, plans for the evening and friend's relationship difficulties - took place in the living room of the couple's Lafayette home at approximately 6 p.m., shortly after Woodman began watching television in an effort to unwind from work.

"I love my wife, but Jesus, does she like to talk sometimes," said Woodman, 30, who works as a field technician for a local civil engineering firm. "I wanted to just come home [from work] and chill out for awhile, but Jena immediately launches into these long, boring stories about what happened at work and what's going on with a friend of hers and a bunch of other stuff. I just tried to act like I was paying attention and hoped it wouldn't go on too long."

Occasionally retorting with such all-purpose conversation perpetuators as "That's nice, honey" and "No kidding? Huh," Woodman pretended to give a shit about his wife's exhaustively detailed personal accounts until just after 6:45 p.m., when Jena was forced to interrupt the one-sided exchange to receive a telephone call from her longtime friend Nelly Smith.

"Saved by the bell, I guess you'd say," Woodman jokingly explained, adding that he used the brief interruption to exit the room and seek solace behind some cardboard boxes in the basement, where he remained for several hours.


Woodman acknowledged that although the lengthy, expendable conversation depleted a good amount of his after-work leisure time, the 45 minutes spent maintaining a convincing, give-a-shit veneer was not a complete waste.

"I was able to give some thought to a few things I hadn't had time for," said Woodman, who admitted to mentally drifting "light-years away" from his wife's inane banter. "While Jena was busy carrying on about God-knows-what, I was trying to figure out the significance of a couple of scenes from the movie Memento, which we had rented a few nights back. I think I've got most of [the plot] figured out now."
In addition to analyzing the storyline of the 2001 feature, Woodman mentally planned the couple's upcoming camping trip and also reminisced about his 1996 bachelor party weekend in Las Vegas - all the while remembering to nod, say "Yeah," and display other characteristics indicative of a person who is giving a shit.

Woodman said he often pretends to give a shit about what his wife says.

"Somebody - a guy - once told me that women tend to work things out in their heads by talking things out, so most of the time it isn't really necessary to listen to everything a woman says," said Woodman. "It's been my experience that the theory usually holds true. So I tend to just keep my mouth shut and let her talk herself out."

Added Woodman: "Besides, if something's really important to her, I'll pick up on it right away because she'll be yelling. Then it's time to get involved in what I'm sure she feels is an extremely important conversation."

After six years of marriage, Woodman said he feels that his willingness to pretend to give a shit about what his wife says is vital to the health of their relationship.

"If I didn't sit there in total silence, staring off into the distance but occasionally grunting out an 'Oh yeah?' or a "No kidding,' Jena would probably start to think we have a communication problem," said Woodman. "Sure, I could just walk out of the room when she starts barking out her meaningless ramblings, but that would be equivalent to just coming right out and saying that she's boring me."


"I pretend to give a shit because I care," Woodman added.

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An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
POLITICS AND OTHER SOCIAL STUDIES

Tea with the Queen

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they'reintelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. 

Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"


Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

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You'll feel smarter after you read these quotes
-

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
--Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal antismoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
--John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"
--George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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Al Qaeda Television

SUNDAY:
8:00 - My 33 Sons
8:30 - Osama Knows Best
9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
0:00 - The Kabul Hillbillies

MONDAY:

8:00 - Husseinfeld
9:00 - Mad About Everything
9:30 - Monday Night Stoning
10:00 - Win Bin Laden's Money
10:30 - Allah McBeal

TUESDAY:
8:00 - Wheel of Terror
8:30 - The Price is Right if Osama Says it's Right
9:00 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

WEDNESDAY:
8:00 - Beat the Press
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
9:00 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread

9:30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Veilwatch


THURSDAY:
8:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30 - Married with 139 Children
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News

FRIDAY:
8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
9:30 - Cave and Garden Television
10:00 - No-Witness News

SATURDAY:
8:00 - Spongebob Squareturban
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - Teletalibans

HEARTWARMING...

Guy's walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum when he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen....."

More than a little curious, he finds a hole in the fence and looks in. Somebody pokes him in the eye. Everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen......"


-----------------------------------------------------------------


A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well, we were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."


"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"One day when we were at sea some birds were! flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"

"No, no," replied the pirate, "It was my first day with the hook!"

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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."

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An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those!" she said. "They're for the funeral."

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The Amazing Texan

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan." Curious, he buys a ticket.

The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring, is table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old retired cowboy.

The old man unzips his pants, whips out his huge penis and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texan is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan." He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act, so he buys a ticket.

Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Texan stands before them, then unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the Texan, "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," says the Texan, "my eyes aren't what they used to be."


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A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar. But after seeing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk!"

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A man and woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when, all of a sudden, the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his nine-year old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies. "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face and after a few minutes, she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"


LISTS

DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.


14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you retard.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?


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A MAN'S RULES OF THE HOUSE



We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side. OK - we are now going to hear the rules from the man's side. These are our rules! And yes, they're all number 1.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ... really.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of them makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is a vegetable. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

END


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1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


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EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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Passing time while shopping

Fourteen Things to do at Wal-mart while your spouse is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms &randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to gooff at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares',...and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?

9. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from'Mission Impossible'.

11. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

12. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
HEADLINES

APB USA - Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something very bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in
the Yellow pages.

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THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002


Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?


Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


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The National Research Council (NRC), in Ottawa, Canada, has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science.

The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
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New Research

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states that the last words of the drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, shit!"
Only the states of Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Texas and Central Florida were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this. "

ETC...

GROWN UP

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that I decided I needed an exciting girl.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I  decided to find an ambitious girl.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big breasts.

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spoiled little....


I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in Hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it like I had to hear from my parents!

But.... Now that I've reached my thirties, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today...

You've got it so freakin' easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live In a Utopia! And, I hate to say it, but you kids today don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet -- we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter -- with a pen! -- and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!

You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11 or scope the lingerie section of the JC Penney catalog! Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids," and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!

And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little weanies!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984.